When Forgiveness Becomes Freedom: One Woman's Journey Through the Unthinkable

One of the most complex territories I navigate with couples and individuals in deep healing work is this: feeling the full weight of what was done to you — without getting permanently anchored there.

This is not about minimizing harm. It's not about rushing past the grief, the rage, or the years of silent survival. Real healing actually requires the opposite — it requires you to let the truth of what happened land fully, to honor the violation for exactly what it was, before you can ever move toward freedom.

But here's where the journey gets nuanced: taking up your full power a

fter a profound betrayal of it sometimes means doing the most counterintuitive thing imaginable. It means choosing — on your own terms, in your own time — to no longer let what was done to you define the core of who you are.

Today's guest contributor, Mary Ann Johnson, writes from the kind of lived experience that most of us would never wish on anyone. Her story is one of childhood sexual abuse, generational silence, recovered memory, and ultimately — a spiritual and emotional healing that defies easy explanation. What she shares here speaks directly to the heart of what transformation actually looks like: not the erasure of pain, but the release of its grip on your life. This is her story.

When I was a very small child I was sexually abused by my great grandfather. My mom and dad took us to his home to be cared for when they went out. Although my mother had been abused by the same man, she thought it was her fault, that she had somehow brought it on herself. This was the prevailing belief in her day. So, it never occurred to her that he might do the same to us. 

I didn’t recall the abuse until I had my seventh child and was in my early forties. One day in prayer I asked this question, “Why do I feel comfortable around men, and I haven’t most of my life. Why was I afraid back then?”  Immediately into my mind came the thought, “Because you were sexually abused by your great grandfather.” 

I was shocked. I still had no memories of what happened, but I began to make calls to my sisters and then to my mom and aunts. It was easy to corroborate. They all had visual memories. Isn’t it interesting that my mother, her sisters, me and my sisters all had the same experience and not once had anyone talked about it. Not only was this a part of my family culture, but also a product of the times we lived in.  

Their remembering made it possible for me to accept what I had been told during my prayer and I immediately went into a tailspin. I was in this whirlwind for a little over three years as I worked to heal. It wasn’t easy, as I continually ran up against others who had been where I was and were stuck in blame, victimhood, and anger. I tried a support group and a counselor but finally spent most of my healing time with God and Jesus Christ. I could trust them, and they were always there, filled with love for me and never advocating anger but forgiveness.  

But how does one forgive the unforgivable? I was soon to learn, and forgiveness and healing did occur, not only for me but for my great grandfather.  But how?  How did this remarkable healing happen for both the living and the dead? The abuse didn’t just impact me and my sisters and my mother’s generation but impacted my ability to parent and caused damage in my children’s lives too. Because I couldn’t remember what happened, I couldn’t see red flags as a mother and keep my children safe. They suffered too as abuse was more prevalent in my extended family than I would have believed. 

I decided if I could forgive this terrible wrong then I would be free, and the energy of healing would trickle down to my children. I experienced many unsettling feelings and thoughts, but heal I did. As I came to a place where I could forgive healing was inevitable.  As I worked to forgive my great grandfather for what he had done and the chaos that it caused in my life, I prayed to understand. I wanted to understand so I could truly forgive. One evening I had an experience that I can only explain from a spiritual standpoint.

I asked to go back in time and see what I couldn’t see at three years old. I wanted to understand.  I felt as if I had become my great grandfather. I saw myself wake up in the morning knowing that even though I was a trusted man in my community and church, I was going to do terrible things that I knew were wrong and I could not stop myself. In that moment I was wracked with terrible pain, shame, and quilt. This experience didn’t last long but I knew what my great grandfather had suffered for decades, and it was enough. He had done terrible things to many but my perception of him changed. I felt compassion and the Savior’s love for him despite his wickedness. I wanted to forgive him and set both of us free. I was given a taste of what my great grandfather had endured and how wracked he had been. It didn’t change what had happened to me, which was terribly wrong.  But it did provide me the understanding and capacity to let go of the hurt and blame that had tortured me for so long. 

I knew when I had forgiven because I was no longer plagued with the feelings, thoughts, or actions that had burdened me my whole life.  I no longer was a compulsive counter, something I’m sure I did to block out the abuse as a child. This and other behaviors were gone. I was free.  I spoke to my great grandfather via prayer and told him I forgave him. I told him I hoped he had found some peace and that he was also free of the past. 

Not long after this experience I had a dream. I passed from this life to the next. I was in a beautiful green, flower-filled pasture. Walking towards me was my great grandfather. As we got closer, I held my arms out to him and he ran into them and wept like a baby. I knew he was grateful that I had been willing to do this work while he had done his on the other side, and it had set both of us free.

This is the beautiful experience that came out of a great tragedy because I heeded the Savior’s counsel to forgive and to love.

To view more of Mary Ann's Work, connect with her here.